Wednesday, August 10, 2005

We'll always have Paris.

xxx

Monday, August 08, 2005

Is the the good ship Friendship hitting rough waters?

Sunday, August 07, 2005

"The email"

For all of you that have sent it in - thanks, and you can stop now. I've gotten it like 15 times and almost have it memorized. I'm not going to repost it here right yet because in reality, I'm not really sure what to make of it.

Has someone beat me at my own game? Is someone trying to ensure my entry back into the house? Is this really making people vote for me? Did I say this and not remember? Was this Jen person good in bed? Was Tammy, who is a common "forwarder" and another apparent ex-girlfriend in about half the emails I got? Has my mom seen this? Why isn't my breakfast ready, E-boy?

This has put the campaign HQ into an absolute frenzy. We're fielding so many calls about this, I can't properly kiss babies, sexually molest their hot young mothers, or put anyone's life in danger. If you have any information as to the authenticity of "the email", please tell me what you know.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Don't piss on my campaign sign and tell me it's raining

I'm back, coming at you live from the campaign trail! It's been non-stop action out here - since Thursday night, I've made appearances in Denver, Houston, Columbus, back to Denver, Orlando, Chicago, and back to Denver again. This afternoon I'll be opening a grocery store in Nashville, then heading to Denver for a special appearance.

We're trying to set up a debate with Cap'n Hated-by-Everyone-in-America, although he's allegedly insisting on a good old fashioned staring contest. I'm game, but I'd rather have a mature discussion of the issues, such as food competition strategies, fair and equal use of the HOH bathroom, and the unanimous belief that Eric is a complete and utter knob.

During this intense time, E-boy and I have made up, and he's brought me valuable inside info from the opposing camps. Kaysar has wide support from the online community, while I've garnered more votes from the TV viewing public. Finally, after two days of tireless research, Eric's wife has figured out how to work the online voting system at CBS.com, so be wary of a big jump in his numbers soon.

Exit polls show the current results as follows:

Kaysar: 14,154,901
Michael: 13,994,320
Eric: 7

Thursday, August 04, 2005

You know what you must do





If we band together, we can finally get Marcellas back in the house.

God bless Big Brother 6


[ed. note: Since both of our readers have shown to be such avid Growing Pains fans, we recently had a chat with actor Kirk Cameron, who played wily teen Mike Seaver on the show. I told you this would be HUGE.]

Hi Kirk. Thanks for doing the interview.
Let me begin by saying it's truly a wonderful blessing to be asked to participate in this wonderful blog.

Before we get to the meat of the interview, why don't you tell everyone what you've been up to?
Well, not so much acting anymore, although we did another Growing Pains TV movie last year, and I'm currently doing another movie in the "Left Behind" series. My real passion is my website, www.wayofthemaster.com.

What's that all about?
It's a website devoted to the Christian faith. Our hope is to -

Hang on, I've never seen it.
It's wonderf -

I said hang on.
...

Dude, religion is fine and everything, but that website's stupid.
Haha...I assume you mean 'stupid' as in 'good'. You kids today. It helps get the message out.

...
Hello?

Anyway...do you still talk to Jeremy Miller?
Of course! He lives in my basement.

Oh my god, that's hilarious.
He's a wonderful young man. It took a long time, but I'll never forget the day he clicked 'YES' on my website, indicating he is indeed a Christian.

Your wife is hot.
Um, thanks.

I'm serious, man. You know what I would do to her?
If I didn't know better, I might think you're attempting to incite anger in me, or perhaps trying to make me look foolish.

Yeah, well you don't know better, do you?
Aren't we supposed to be talking about Big Brother 6?

Do you watch Big Brother 6?
No.

See, I'm pissed now.
Are you a Christian?

Is it true you were gay with Alan Thicke?
Perhaps it's time to terminate the interview?

Are you asking me or telling me? Maybe I should terminate your face.
I'm afraid I have to go.

F--k you, Seaver.
God bless.

[We're still working on today's special guest]


[E-boy here: This will be well worth the wait. I absolutely promise that no Big Brother fan will want to miss this.]

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

[Michael pictures]

[E-boy here: we received these via email from an anonymous source. Since our attempts to get today's blogger blogging have failed, we thought we'd post them for you. Look for a post (perhaps even more than one) from a VERY special guest tomorrow. This will be HUGE. NO JOKE.]


Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Inner monologue


i'm so torn there are like two parts of me in the house the one that wants to stay and the one that wants to get home to my boyfriend i hope he is thinking about me because i am thinking about him all the time sometimes when i am supposed to be talking strategy with the peeps the peeps the peeps I can't stop thinking about my boyfriend last time I saw him he was being funny like he always is and saying jokes like 'hey leave me alone' and 'we only went out once why do you keep following me' and other funny jokes haha he is a tease but i know he is mine or will be at least and if he isn't he won't be anyone else's either oh no he won't won't won't yeah we only went out once but it was the best date ever and maybe he doesn't know that because he isnt listening to me but how can he listen if he won't take my calls that's okay when i call i can still hear his voice on the voicemail message and i heard it 136 times the day before i left for big brother and even though it said 'jennifer if this is you dont forget the restraining order includes not calling me' but he is playing hard to get and i know when he says mean things like 'go away' and 'you're nuts' he is only teasing and really he is saying 'i love you my baby i love you so much i love you i love you and let's get married oooh we will live together forever in a chocolate castle and i will feed you graham crackers and we will make babies and we will love the babies and i love you forever honey' that's what he's saying and april told me that i am wrong and maybe i should look for another boyfriend but she is f--king wrong that f--kig bitch and i'll rip her legs off and make stew out of them if she's not careful that bitch bitch bitch she doesn't know but he loves me yes does and i would say it to them but for now I will just

sit

here and they will

all think I am nice





ooh food yummy

Monday, August 01, 2005

April Lewis IS Kmart


Dear Ms. Lewis,

As your keen senses have picked up on, Kmart Corporation has targeted you as our newest spokeswoman. Please feel no pressure to accept our offer immediately; a talent and presence such as yours only comes along every so often, and we here at Kmart are happy to go through the "wine-and-dine" phase, so to say. The camera is only the beginning, my dear.

Needless to say, our company's officers have not had this overwhelming belief in a potential endorser since our partnership with the wonderful and robust Miss Rosie O'Donnell. This is known in the industry as "marketing euphoria."

As you weigh our offer against the many others you are sure to pursue, please take into account what we can do for you:

1) A 20-year guaranteed contract, which will support you generously right up until the retirement age of 65. Included in this contract are numerous stock options and other benefits.

(If you are unfamiliar with the terms "stocks" or "stock market" or "economy", our financial experts will be happy to educate you. If you are unfamiliar with the terms "financial" or "educate" or "unfamiliar", we can assist you there as well. Simply put, "we done gonna teach you thangs.")

2) The "Mo-Fo" line of designer evening wear. An innovation such as taking the term "motherf--ker" and shortening it to the more sublime "mo-fo" is something that can only be described as pure, untainted genius. In recent weeks my dreams have been dominated by visions of your tightly sculpted face mouthing this classy phrase. The words seep from your mouth...I can actually see them, like whispy little pink clouds...dancing around your face...mo-fo...mo-fo...they blend seemlessly with the air...as the words themselves blend seemlessly into any conversation...mo-fo...mo-fo...

I have said too much, but it overwhelms me at times. It is these visions that will be the inspiration for the "Mo-Fo" line.

3) A signature "Lewis" brand of cigarettes. Imagine your face on billboards across the country, your uniquely tightened lips elegantly pursed around a delicious stick of chemical-laced, processed tobacco. Tasty, bold, and refreshing, the Lewis brand are "the cigarette of choice for chainsmokers who don't smoke."

I must tell you candidly, April, that when our marketing team came to the board of directors with the plan to watch reality shows and then pick our favorite contestants to join Team Kmart, I was skeptical. But my god, woman, you are a revelation. More than that - a revolution! When we sent you the digital camera, there was speculation that you may not understand our intent. That you may think CBS had simply entered into a general, common marketing agreement with a chain department store, as is the regular practice on a show such as Big Brother 6. I knew, though...I knew you would see our clear signal...nay, MY clear signal.

Soon, my sweet April (my angel?), we will meet face-to-face at last...and God willing, "April Lewis IS Kmart" will be our new slogan for the 21st century. AND BEYOND!

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Going all Latin on your asses (youknowwhatI'msaying?)

I don't know how to use the keyboard,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
That big hunky man Cappy is my lord,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
I get mad at Janelle for her mean song,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
I still say Michael was here too long,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
Kayser will kill us with a bomb,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
I'm too ignorant to know that's a dumb f--king thing to say,

[ed. note: we're not sure why she didn't rhyme here. fyi her preshow IQ test scored a 74.]

(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
I want to slit James in his long throat,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
And my heart is as big as a big boat,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
All of these people are so mean I hate them,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
They're not nice like me I am a gem,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
I'm racially sensitive and so kind,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
I'm always relaxed and I unwind,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
I would never cause unrest or bad strife,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
I'm nothing but bitter about my life.
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
I'm going to rot in hell. the end

Special guest bloggers week!

They're moving me again this afternoon (re-resequesteration?) and told me I'm not allowed to blog for awhile. I have a feeling something is up this week or next - whatever it is, I bet they're telling me and are afraid I'll spill all over the interwebs. E-boy (who I haven't spoken to since eviction - thanks jerk) will apparently be bringing in a series of guest bloggers to take over until next Sunday. Talk to you soon!

[E-boy here: look for our first special guest blogger later this afternoon.]

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Remember when they replaced Bo and Luke with Coy and Vance that one season?

Here’s what I would do one day if I ran Big Brother. When the HGs come in from a lockdown, have people that look, sound, and act like them sitting inside. BB comes over the loudspeaker and tells the old houseguests they have an hour to pack up – it isn’t working out and they’re being replaced by more entertaining, slightly better looking versions of themselves.

The dopplegangers intro themselves and we watch what happens:

Kayser/Kaizer
Howie/Charlie
April/May
Jennifer/Elizabeth
Janelle/Rochelle
Sarah/Betsy
Ivette/Ivana
Rachel/Monica
Maggie/Rick
Beau/Luke

We leave James out to see which group he starts leaching on to, and especially to see if he thinks this means he gets to sleep with Betsy. Is there any doubt Ivette would totally believe this was really happening and freak out at Ivana, who in turn freaks out right back, since she’s an amped up version of Ivette?

It's lucky the birthday girl doesn't smoke


By far the most monumental, house-changing twist of the season is April's impending lack of cigarettes. What's she going to do? I can only imagine the despair she's going to suffer as she watches the yellow stains fade from her fingers. Just knowing her lungs are healing is likely to drive her nuts. Will BB give her the patch? Gum? How long before she starts self-justification, babbling repeatedly to anyone who will listen about how she's better off this way, anyway? BB should keep leaving packs of cigarettes in random places around the house, and after she desperately rips them open, she finds they're filled with those bubble gum cigs.

Speaking of Smokey, does anyone else think it's hilarious BB didn't do anything for her birthday after they practically threw Sarah a parade? Maybe the twist is that they're going to torture April for the rest of the year. I would've given her a cake, but had it say "Happy 40th - HAHA You're Ugly!".