Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Predictions on the eve of dismissal

I'm not fooling myself into thinking that Cap'n Ewok Balls hasn't threatened everyone within an inch of their lives that they must vote for me to leave tomorrow. With a somewhat isolated existence the last few days, I've found myself wondering what will happen to these people after I'm gone. Obviously, they'll be bored for a few days - without me to complain about, what will they do?

It'll almost be like meeting all over again. I imagine it as someone saying "So, what are you interested in besides Michael-bashing?" followed by about 45 minutes of awkward silence. Then Cap'n Slander chimes in with a timely (and relieving!) "I heard Kaysar likes to steal stuff." Business continues as usual!

Regardless, my forecast for the rest of the game:

Week 3: April wins HOH; puts up Janelle and Kaysar. Janelle evicted.

Week 4: Beau wins HOH; puts up April and Kaysar. April evicted.

Week 5: Eric wins HOH; puts up Beau and Maggie. Beau calls him a "bully", after which Eric kills him with his bare hands. His anger unquenched, Crappy continues his rampage, killing Sarah, James, and Maggie. Kaysar tries to diplomatically solve the latest "disturbance", as Howie keeps himself busy humping the treadmill. Ivette, meanwhile, sits on Eric's shoulder laughing like the goblin she is. The producers rush the house, shooting Eric with 5000 cc's of elephant tranquilizers. While it slows him down, death does not come easy to those with the devil's blood running through them. Rachel attempts to stop the chaos using her android strength, but Ivette manages to bite through her metal casing and chew the wiring leading to Rachel's advanced robot brain.

Week 6: The battle rages on, as producers from The Amazing Race and Yes, Dear have been brought in to take down the Fireman King and his Queen, who has shed her human skin and slinks through the house in full Latin-American-Reptilian form. With no other options, Arnold Shapiro nukes the house, leaving only the disembodied aura of Howie's sex drive alive. Unable to contain it long enough to award it the money, I am brought back and declared winner of Big Brother 6.


Blogger bodyworker said...

Your post is hilarious and ultra-charming. If things don't work out for you in that chaotic house, come back to your real home soon okay? I'm certain you could use another healing massage. Don't's on me! You most definetely deserve it. Me and C are rooting for you. Rah, rah, rah!


5:45 PM  
Blogger WindyDay said...


6:59 PM  
Blogger susie q said...

Each one is better!! Find that key, or whatever, will you? It's behind the gold, electrical plate in the Gold Room...behind that silly lamp. Best case and Janelle find the key, are called to the diary room. Tomorrow night, Julie says that the Summer of Secrets has another twist. You and Janelle are now safe from eviction, and besides that, you both get to put up two people, with a live vote and eviction immediately.

I'm still hoping that you stay. You are the most interesting house guest, ever.

7:13 PM  
Blogger ernie said...

Oh, man. This blog is friggin hysterical. If you ARE Michael, please continue this blog so you can make fun of everyone else in the house. And if you are NOT Michael, please continue this blog so you can make fun of everyone else in the house.

7:33 PM  
Blogger Blondie said...

What a wonderful writer you are, I do hope you continue to post cause I know you will be watching as long as Janelle is on and way after that. You two make a cute couple. You definately should not be leaving and I disagree you should be brought back well before the end.

7:53 PM  
Blogger WinterStarlight said...

I'm really hoping that Big Brother decides to do the right thing tomorrow for a change and gets rid of Eric for his physical temper. I understand that he is Head of House this week so getting rid of him would have been messed up, but to allow him to stay after that would be an attrocity.

Michael, I too hope you decide to keep up the blog giving us the real unedited scoop when you can see the whole story. See what's been going on behind your back and tell us what you think then!

Still luv ya!

8:33 PM  
Blogger akaMelissa said...

After you leave this would be the only way anyone would continue to watch.

We'll miss you Michael.

8:49 PM  
Blogger Caitlin said...

Hilarious stuff. BB should definitely find a way to keep you in the game dude. I had no opinion either way watching you on TV -- it was mostly ambivalence or indifference. But this blog makes me love you. (I realize you can't read this but you might later.) Rock on.

11:45 PM  
Blogger Caitlin said...

P.S. I know the producers are reading this. Eric was the first houseguest to ever threaten another houseguest (besides that whole knife incident that got Justin kicked out) even though he was stopped. I think Eric should get a penalty nomination and take the place of Michael. ;)

1:10 AM  
Blogger Mr Lee said...

You should be/have been this 'charming' with your housemates..., will we get kasyar when your gone? (please)

6:31 AM  
Blogger WinterStarlight said...

Personally I'm completely annoyed with CBS on this one. I noted that the ratings of the show have taken what appears to be a huge drop from last year, and I would hazzard to predict an even larger drop if that idiot Eric is allowed to remain after defaming Michael and then becoming a physical threat to other houseguests. I'm not interested in the show after this, although I honestly do think that you, Michael, will be pleased to see the level of support you've had outside the house!

If CBS does read this... do you really think so lowly of the viewers that all attempts to get an answer from you are ignored; all attempts to get you to remove Eric for breaking the rules of common conduct are ignored and Eric is, instead, portrayed as the "hero of the women". Are the fans of this show so meaningless to you that you don't care whether we watch or not? If the only way to make you sit up and take notice is to turn it off - done! I won't watch again until you do the right thing.

Michael, I imagine you are jumping right into your work soon. I've seen your art and you are truly amazing.

7:47 AM  
Blogger Xialle said...

Oh, my gosh, this one was hilarious! I hate to see you go, but I agree with you that you're better than this. I hope this blog continues, although I wouldn't blame you if you wanted nothing to do with the entire thing afterwards. Your artwork is amazing, and I enjoyed reading your biography on your other site. I would have dearly loved seeing you cream Barberic's behind with your black belt. LOL Good luck to you.

7:57 AM  
Blogger Dave said...


11:21 AM  
Blogger Sharon said...

Hi Michael,

I loved your post. You are spot on! It's so fun to watch you torture Eric and his sheep.

I'm so sad that you are leaving. I could gaze at you for hours. LOL

Go get 'em tonight. Especially Jen and April!


2:52 PM  

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