Monday, August 01, 2005

April Lewis IS Kmart


Dear Ms. Lewis,

As your keen senses have picked up on, Kmart Corporation has targeted you as our newest spokeswoman. Please feel no pressure to accept our offer immediately; a talent and presence such as yours only comes along every so often, and we here at Kmart are happy to go through the "wine-and-dine" phase, so to say. The camera is only the beginning, my dear.

Needless to say, our company's officers have not had this overwhelming belief in a potential endorser since our partnership with the wonderful and robust Miss Rosie O'Donnell. This is known in the industry as "marketing euphoria."

As you weigh our offer against the many others you are sure to pursue, please take into account what we can do for you:

1) A 20-year guaranteed contract, which will support you generously right up until the retirement age of 65. Included in this contract are numerous stock options and other benefits.

(If you are unfamiliar with the terms "stocks" or "stock market" or "economy", our financial experts will be happy to educate you. If you are unfamiliar with the terms "financial" or "educate" or "unfamiliar", we can assist you there as well. Simply put, "we done gonna teach you thangs.")

2) The "Mo-Fo" line of designer evening wear. An innovation such as taking the term "motherf--ker" and shortening it to the more sublime "mo-fo" is something that can only be described as pure, untainted genius. In recent weeks my dreams have been dominated by visions of your tightly sculpted face mouthing this classy phrase. The words seep from your mouth...I can actually see them, like whispy little pink clouds...dancing around your face...mo-fo...mo-fo...they blend seemlessly with the air...as the words themselves blend seemlessly into any conversation...mo-fo...mo-fo...

I have said too much, but it overwhelms me at times. It is these visions that will be the inspiration for the "Mo-Fo" line.

3) A signature "Lewis" brand of cigarettes. Imagine your face on billboards across the country, your uniquely tightened lips elegantly pursed around a delicious stick of chemical-laced, processed tobacco. Tasty, bold, and refreshing, the Lewis brand are "the cigarette of choice for chainsmokers who don't smoke."

I must tell you candidly, April, that when our marketing team came to the board of directors with the plan to watch reality shows and then pick our favorite contestants to join Team Kmart, I was skeptical. But my god, woman, you are a revelation. More than that - a revolution! When we sent you the digital camera, there was speculation that you may not understand our intent. That you may think CBS had simply entered into a general, common marketing agreement with a chain department store, as is the regular practice on a show such as Big Brother 6. I knew, though...I knew you would see our clear signal...nay, MY clear signal.

Soon, my sweet April (my angel?), we will meet face-to-face at last...and God willing, "April Lewis IS Kmart" will be our new slogan for the 21st century. AND BEYOND!

22 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious!!!
I saw it live yesterday on the feeds and April was thinking that "Maybe" K-Mart would use her as a spokesperson.. I laughed my butt off on that one. Sorry April but your too much of a "redneck" for me. No offence to the good ol' boys and girls from the South. You all rock.. Except for April of course!

10:26 AM  
Blogger troublemaker said...

Someone needs to give you a job on a sitcom. Or better yet,Maybe CBS will hire you-you are hysterical.P.S. I think you should put all your observations regarding Big Brother 6 into a manuscript and shop it around the publishing houses. It would sell off the shelves.But that is just my opinion.

4:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love it... even more entertaining to me (being from Texas) is that there are no K-marts here anymore... and apparently Mofo is a "Texas" thing I was unfamiliar with, seeing as how April has brought it fame second only to our own illustrious governor who called a news reporter a "mofo" recently, thinking the microphone had been turned off...

To think, April and Jennifer are what we have representing the "Great State of Texas" to America... no wonder the world thinks we're all "hicks".. :(

4:43 PM  
Anonymous stewie said...

LOL! That was great!

I hope you do Jennifer next - something along the lines of her desperate need to get male attention - as evidence by her need to do crotch-centric exercises in the most public rooms and her weird creepy grooming flirting - followed by histrionic pleas of sexual harassment.

Jennifer: when anime meets STDs. Her poor fiance!

5:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hysterical! Lewis brand cigarettes... that's a trip. And the 20 year contract to cover her until she "reaches 65", that's hilarious. Great paordy article!!

5:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love coming to this blog and reading all the hilarious stuff, keep it coming. I really enjoy it.

9:18 PM  
Blogger Xialle said...

You nailed her! This was too funny.

6:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hahahahashahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

1:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WTF? April and Jennifer aren't even rednecks. If you think they are "hicks" good lord you need to get out of the city.

2:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

April isn't hardcore redneck but she has tendencies

5:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

APRIL BACKER

You city slickers can kiss our county ass!!!! April is a good person and she rocks, so don't knock her. don't be jealous because you all aren't from Texas!!
Muuaawww!!!!

2:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was not born or raised in Texas, but live here now. The only thing that gives me comfort that "they" don't represent the people here is there are women like April & Jennifer in every city. The kind that think they are super pretty, even though they aren't. The kind that like to say how everyone likes them even though few do. The kind that will talk nice to your face and be mean behind your back -- even their own 'friends.' We've all met girls like that. I think the funniest thing is how April, Jennifer's friend, let the BB watching world know her status as J-Blow!

Great job on the parody!!!

3:40 PM  
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