April Lewis IS Kmart
Dear Ms. Lewis,
As your keen senses have picked up on, Kmart Corporation has targeted you as our newest spokeswoman. Please feel no pressure to accept our offer immediately; a talent and presence such as yours only comes along every so often, and we here at Kmart are happy to go through the "wine-and-dine" phase, so to say. The camera is only the beginning, my dear.
Needless to say, our company's officers have not had this overwhelming belief in a potential endorser since our partnership with the wonderful and robust Miss Rosie O'Donnell. This is known in the industry as "marketing euphoria."
As you weigh our offer against the many others you are sure to pursue, please take into account what we can do for you:
1) A 20-year guaranteed contract, which will support you generously right up until the retirement age of 65. Included in this contract are numerous stock options and other benefits.
(If you are unfamiliar with the terms "stocks" or "stock market" or "economy", our financial experts will be happy to educate you. If you are unfamiliar with the terms "financial" or "educate" or "unfamiliar", we can assist you there as well. Simply put, "we done gonna teach you thangs.")
2) The "Mo-Fo" line of designer evening wear. An innovation such as taking the term "motherf--ker" and shortening it to the more sublime "mo-fo" is something that can only be described as pure, untainted genius. In recent weeks my dreams have been dominated by visions of your tightly sculpted face mouthing this classy phrase. The words seep from your mouth...I can actually see them, like whispy little pink clouds...dancing around your face...mo-fo...mo-fo...they blend seemlessly with the air...as the words themselves blend seemlessly into any conversation...mo-fo...mo-fo...
I have said too much, but it overwhelms me at times. It is these visions that will be the inspiration for the "Mo-Fo" line.
3) A signature "Lewis" brand of cigarettes. Imagine your face on billboards across the country, your uniquely tightened lips elegantly pursed around a delicious stick of chemical-laced, processed tobacco. Tasty, bold, and refreshing, the Lewis brand are "the cigarette of choice for chainsmokers who don't smoke."
I must tell you candidly, April, that when our marketing team came to the board of directors with the plan to watch reality shows and then pick our favorite contestants to join Team Kmart, I was skeptical. But my god, woman, you are a revelation. More than that - a revolution! When we sent you the digital camera, there was speculation that you may not understand our intent. That you may think CBS had simply entered into a general, common marketing agreement with a chain department store, as is the regular practice on a show such as Big Brother 6. I knew, though...I knew you would see our clear signal...nay, MY clear signal.
Soon, my sweet April (my angel?), we will meet face-to-face at last...and God willing, "April Lewis IS Kmart" will be our new slogan for the 21st century. AND BEYOND!