Going all Latin on your asses (youknowwhatI'msaying?)

I don't know how to use the keyboard,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
That big hunky man Cappy is my lord,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
I get mad at Janelle for her mean song,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
I still say Michael was here too long,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
Kayser will kill us with a bomb,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
I'm too ignorant to know that's a dumb f--king thing to say,

[ed. note: we're not sure why she didn't rhyme here. fyi her preshow IQ test scored a 74.]

(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
I want to slit James in his long throat,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
And my heart is as big as a big boat,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
All of these people are so mean I hate them,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
They're not nice like me I am a gem,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
I'm racially sensitive and so kind,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
I'm always relaxed and I unwind,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
I would never cause unrest or bad strife,
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
I'm nothing but bitter about my life.
(youknowwhatI'msaying?)
I'm going to rot in hell. the end

Special guest bloggers week!

They're moving me again this afternoon (re-resequesteration?) and told me I'm not allowed to blog for awhile. I have a feeling something is up this week or next - whatever it is, I bet they're telling me and are afraid I'll spill all over the interwebs. E-boy (who I haven't spoken to since eviction - thanks jerk) will apparently be bringing in a series of guest bloggers to take over until next Sunday. Talk to you soon!

[E-boy here: look for our first special guest blogger later this afternoon.]

Remember when they replaced Bo and Luke with Coy and Vance that one season?

Here’s what I would do one day if I ran Big Brother. When the HGs come in from a lockdown, have people that look, sound, and act like them sitting inside. BB comes over the loudspeaker and tells the old houseguests they have an hour to pack up – it isn’t working out and they’re being replaced by more entertaining, slightly better looking versions of themselves.

The dopplegangers intro themselves and we watch what happens:

Kayser/Kaizer
Howie/Charlie
April/May
Jennifer/Elizabeth
Janelle/Rochelle
Sarah/Betsy
Ivette/Ivana
Rachel/Monica
Maggie/Rick
Beau/Luke

We leave James out to see which group he starts leaching on to, and especially to see if he thinks this means he gets to sleep with Betsy. Is there any doubt Ivette would totally believe this was really happening and freak out at Ivana, who in turn freaks out right back, since she’s an amped up version of Ivette?

It's lucky the birthday girl doesn't smoke

By far the most monumental, house-changing twist of the season is April's impending lack of cigarettes. What's she going to do? I can only imagine the despair she's going to suffer as she watches the yellow stains fade from her fingers. Just knowing her lungs are healing is likely to drive her nuts. Will BB give her the patch? Gum? How long before she starts self-justification, babbling repeatedly to anyone who will listen about how she's better off this way, anyway? BB should keep leaving packs of cigarettes in random places around the house, and after she desperately rips them open, she finds they're filled with those bubble gum cigs.

Speaking of Smokey, does anyone else think it's hilarious BB didn't do anything for her birthday after they practically threw Sarah a parade? Maybe the twist is that they're going to torture April for the rest of the year. I would've given her a cake, but had it say "Happy 40th - HAHA You're Ugly!".

The next twist

What if we're all going back in after the next few weeks...? Then all nominations are couple vs couple?

Personally, I think it cheapens the first 6 weeks of the game, but whatever. Gives me another shot at the $100M.

OR

What if there's a grizzly bear behind the subway doors? Hmmmmm...

A break from BB talk to comment on a certain development

A curious wonder I've discovered since being back in sequesteration is how the internet reacts to Big Brother and us House Guests. (pronounced "GWESTS" in Greek btw)

It seems there is an epidemic of "fake blogs" that have sprung up, which allegedly feature posts written from us (the GWESTS) while in sequesteration, and subsequently from inside the house.

For example, if this were one of those fake blogs (which it isn't), it would be titled something to the effect of "The Official Big Brother 6 Blog, featuring Michael Donnellan". That was only an example - again, this blog is 100% real Donnellan action.

((side note: I read Eric's blog and there was only one post, reprinted here:

F-CK F-CK P-SS F-CK F-CK I'M A MAN F-CK F-CK DON'T COUNT YOUR CHICKENS F-CK P-SS HONOR.))

Okay, back to the phenomenon of these blogs. Often the "fake blogger" at some point will to do an interview in which they admit to their ruse, revealing in detail how and why they created it. The interview is posted and spread around the internet, making it perfectly clear what the situation is. Perhaps a link to the site hosting the interview is even left permanently on the blog.

Amazingly, the result of this is that some people still think the blog is real. Again, this is NOT the case with this blog, which IS completely real. It's simply a curious thing I've noticed about other BB6 blogs since my eviction.

Next: Back to BB6 talk. With tonight's ball roll victory, that's 3 male HOH's in a row! When will the women take control?

Santa in July

These people are insanely boring. Can nobody but Howie entertain themselves? Apparently Ivette is going for the world record for contradicting herself in the same sentence, but really, once it's done...how satisfying is it?

Even though I hate most of them, I'll hold out that this isn't all their fault. I was bored during my time, as well, despite the Janelle-nastics I was performing.

Therefore, a few simple ways the producers can spur some activity and spice up this show - give them something to do and more to talk about than "we need HOH" and "I hate April's fake chin". btw I'm completely serious about these:

* Snowstorm in the backyard. I know this was done for a previous season's challenge or something, but I'm talking about a BAD snowstorm. Can't they wake up one morning to like 3 feet of snow and 12 shovels sitting in the kitchen? Imagine it - they shovel and shovel and shovel, thinking they're going to get some prize or something. They work at it all day, and that night there's more snow dumped. This could go on for DAYS. Think how frustrated and crazed they would get, especially if BB gave no explanation for what was going on. How long before they start thinking it's actually snowing in the valley?

* Lockdown in the Gold Room. BB comes over with a special lockdown announcement for everyone to get into the gold room. Over the next 7 hours they're forced to stay in there, BB keeps yelling out random numbers. Watch as they scramble to use the numbers to unlock the safes, which of course, they can't (because the numbers don't mean anything!). Yes - 7 hours. I don't care if Maggie has to go drain the lizard.

* 200 pounds of ground beef. If they can eat it in a week, they get a special luxury item. What's their prize? More ground beef!

These are hamsters, right? What do scientists do with hamsters and rats and crap like that? They experiment on them - they don't sit there and watch them smoke and stare at walls. Thoughts?

Who warmed up Kaysar's meat?

Well, well, well. I leave the house and all of a sudden Kaysar's meat is getting exposed and manhandled. If there's one thing I can tell you about Kaysar, it's that because of his religion, he has very specific rules about his meat, ie who he'll share it with, who can touch it, who can consume it, etc. Let's run down the suspects, from least likely to most, in terms of guilt:

Rachel: Would only handle the meat after some sort of formal agreement and such. Not even a suspect, really.

Janelle: We never talked about it, but I'm guessing Kaysar would let Janelle touch his meat. I don't think she'd go behind his back to get at his meat. From experience, I can tell you that's not her style.

Howie: Howie's busy with his own meat, as far as I could tell. I can't imagine he'd go after Kaysar's.

Jennifer: Is clearly afraid of meat.

Eric: God, I hate this guy.

Maggie: Maggie's too preoccupied with hiding her own meat to worry about going after Kaysar's.

James: Since getting out, I've seen his modeling shots. Closeted meat lover. I think he should be higher on the list.

Ivette: Doesn't like meat, but might touch Kaysar's meat for some sort of shock value.

Sarah: I think Sarah has another side to her, where she might touch Kaysar's meat by "accident" and not tell anyone.

April: I'm guessing April's had a lot of meat in her day. If she needs it like she needs smokes, she's a possible culprit. Of course, like smoking, she'll claim she doesn't need meat.

Beau: Does this really need explanation?

What baffles me is that Kaysar doesn't even know who did this! I mean, it's his meat! Is it possible I've misunderstood what they're talking about?

What I should have done (now with outlining!)

ed. note: Check www.hamsterwatch.com today for an extensive interview regarding the execution of Michael's blog and answers to all questions you could possibly have.

Looking back is always easier, but I really meant what I said about not figuring out the game until the last day I was there. As I sit in sequesteration (which I'm told has become quite the buzzword), here's my "if I had a time machine strategy":

1) Not flirt with my hands or mouth.
2) Realize right away I'm not at Club Med.
3) Pretend I was deaf, thus garnering sympathy. (And much humor, as dimwits like Ivette would have no doubt shouted to me, thinking that it would help me hear, regardless of the fact I was allegedly DEAF.)

I think that would've gotten me a free pass and I'd still be there, but assuming Cap'n Short Shorts still executed Operation Predator III, here's the new retro-plan:

4) With Ashlea evicted, go to Eric and claim she was my secret partner.
5) Make him realize that without a secret partner, I'm the last person he should be targeting.
6) Threaten to expose him and Mannie if he doesn't do what I wish with his nominations.
7) Get him to evict Janelle.

What??? Why #7 you say? Two reasons:

a) Janelle and I had made ourselves targets by making out.
b) With Janelle gone, Kaysar could then claim Janelle was his partner.

With nobody to deny our stories of our fake partnerships, Kaysar and I could've had a longtime free pass as the "wild cards". I really don't think there's any way two partners could make it to the end once it's all exposed. They'd have to trade winning HOH every week, and that's just not going to happen.

Of course, it's only now I realize this, when I am living somewhat of the resort life.

[edited]

[edited]

[ed. note: Michael is still unable to see comments, emails, or the actual blog. I allowed this post in error this morning. Another update will be posted later today from Michael.]

Michael Cassidy and the Iraqi Kid

I figured out how to play this game a little late.

Fortunately, I still have time to start armageddon.

Be wary and cautious, for the reverberations from Thursday's live show could very well crack your television in half.

Predictions on the eve of dismissal

I'm not fooling myself into thinking that Cap'n Ewok Balls hasn't threatened everyone within an inch of their lives that they must vote for me to leave tomorrow. With a somewhat isolated existence the last few days, I've found myself wondering what will happen to these people after I'm gone. Obviously, they'll be bored for a few days - without me to complain about, what will they do?

It'll almost be like meeting all over again. I imagine it as someone saying "So, what are you interested in besides Michael-bashing?" followed by about 45 minutes of awkward silence. Then Cap'n Slander chimes in with a timely (and relieving!) "I heard Kaysar likes to steal stuff." Business continues as usual!

Regardless, my forecast for the rest of the game:

Week 3: April wins HOH; puts up Janelle and Kaysar. Janelle evicted.

Week 4: Beau wins HOH; puts up April and Kaysar. April evicted.

Week 5: Eric wins HOH; puts up Beau and Maggie. Beau calls him a "bully", after which Eric kills him with his bare hands. His anger unquenched, Crappy continues his rampage, killing Sarah, James, and Maggie. Kaysar tries to diplomatically solve the latest "disturbance", as Howie keeps himself busy humping the treadmill. Ivette, meanwhile, sits on Eric's shoulder laughing like the goblin she is. The producers rush the house, shooting Eric with 5000 cc's of elephant tranquilizers. While it slows him down, death does not come easy to those with the devil's blood running through them. Rachel attempts to stop the chaos using her android strength, but Ivette manages to bite through her metal casing and chew the wiring leading to Rachel's advanced robot brain.

Week 6: The battle rages on, as producers from The Amazing Race and Yes, Dear have been brought in to take down the Fireman King and his Queen, who has shed her human skin and slinks through the house in full Latin-American-Reptilian form. With no other options, Arnold Shapiro nukes the house, leaving only the disembodied aura of Howie's sex drive alive. Unable to contain it long enough to award it the money, I am brought back and declared winner of Big Brother 6.

Girl, I love you so much, you don't even know, girl, yeah yeah, baby

This is a song I wrote (in my head) the other day so that I could sing in the house. In case you aren't aware, we can't sing any songs that haven't been cleared. Basically, I can't walk around singing MC Hammer songs, because MC Hammer isn't being paid to have his music broadcast on CBS. The producers are pretty hard-core about this and will shut you up quick with the loud booming voice.

Anyway, "Girl, I love you so much, you don't even know, girl, yeah yeah, baby" apparently sounded just like some old Boyz II Men song, so I can't sing that, either. And no, I didn't write it for Janelle - I wrote it for Ivette. I really think the world needs "Girl, I love you so much, you don't even know, girl, yeah yeah, baby," so instead of answering Julie Chen's questions, I may just sing "Girl, I love you so much, you don't even know, girl, yeah yeah, baby" in response to everything.

I may be done taking shots at people for awhile - at least the rest of the day. The truth is I'm ready to go, I've resigned myself to leaving, and if you want to know the truth, they had to stop me from walking out the other night after the "disturbance." (as they refer to it as in the Diary Room) I honestly have better things to do than be slandered, alienated, and frustrated any further by ignorant, spineless Houseguests who are "turned on" by a mob mentality.

I feel bad that I've left Kaysar in this position. He's tried his best to do everything right. Hopefully he can come back and win this thing. I would truly love to see that.

BB6 Wars Episode III: Emperor Midgetine's Empire OR Everyone's a Cap'n!

Cap'n Steroids-Made-Me-Lose-My-Hair: We're best friends, evidenced by his aggressive attempt to hug me the other night. I assume that's what he was doing, anyway, despite the fact that an actual fight would be like a cartoon, where I reach my arm out and hold his head, and he throws punches like crazy but can't reach me.

Cap'n Me-and-Eric-Both-Wear-Las-Vegas-Hospital-Gear-But-Thinks-Nobody-Knows-We-Know- Each-Other: I think she actually likes me, but Eric will bust his [edited] if she says anything.

Cap'n Loco: Eric's top operative. AKA Cap'n Whorvette, Cap'n Loud, Cap'n Cuban-Insanity, Cap'n I-Can't-Shut-Up, and Cap'n Anything-You-Say-Will-Be-Superceded-By-A-Similar-Story-About-Myself-That-I-Will-Tell-Loudly-Meanly-and-Obnoxiously-and-At-the-End-of-Which-I-Will-Add-Something-Nice-About-Myself-That-Is-Not-True-and-Actually-the-Complete-Opposite-of-What-I-Just-Demonstrated-With-My-Story. (example: "I just killed 40 innocent puppies by suffocating them. And I'm so kind to animals.")

Cap'n Beau: I don't really have anything against him, but he's Cap'n Loco's buddy.

Cap'n I'm-Going-To-Weigh-800-Pounds-By-the-Time-This-Show-Is-Over: She always speaks her mind. I admire that.

Cap'n Nothing: Rachel has apparently been programmed to have no use for me. I've tried several times to rewire her, but can't get the hatch to her main circuitboard opened. Frankly, if I could even get the hatch open to flip the personality switch to 'on', that would be fine, even if the result was hate.

Cap'n Toolshed: See Rachel, but more of a dork. (I wanted to say something that rhymes with "hildo", but it would no doubt be edited. [ed. note: good call.]

Cap'n Cap'n-Toolshed's-Girlfriend: See James. (with the addition that she thinks I tried to toe her [edited].)

Cap'n Parakeet: Squawks like a parrot, repeats everything like a parrot, has a fake beak like a parrot.

Kaysar & Janelle are my allies in the Rebel Alliance. Howie is the Force, and permeates all living things.

Next: Episode IV: No Hope

A detailed account of what's been happening under the blankets with Janelle

Assuming E-Boy doesn't cut it. Now, my [edited].

[ed. note: sorry.]

Drinking the Kool-Aid

Eric is the best! There are so many awesome things I want to say about him that I don't even know where to [edited] start! Here's some things I love about "Cappy" (awesome nickname!):

1) How about how he always lets everyone finish their sentences? That's so polite!

2) I really like how he is an authority on everything ever made, done, discovered, or said. It's so nice to know that if I need to know anything at all in the whole world's history, that Eric will know the answer.

3) His height is perfect! I mean, how interesting would it really be if we were all over 5 foot 6?

4) Putting his family pictures around the public areas of the house is a great idea! It really makes me feel at home and not at all like an animal is urinating to lay claim to their territory!

5) When he points a finger in the face of the person he's speaking at, he's only making sure they're listening. He's doing that for them, and I certainly appreciate it.

6) Stepping up in the food comp was a great move, especially since he waited until two other people had already stepped up! Wow, showing leadership and saving someone by shoving Janelle to the side!

7) The best part about him is how he always makes sure to take credit for things he's done and sometimes even for things he hasn't done. That way there's no confusion about who the big dog in the firehouse is! It's generous of him to straighten these things out for the rest of us.

8) There's a very subtle thing that Cappy (there's that neat nickname again!) does in his treatment of women. While gallantly protecting them from nasty sexual predators, he also manages to throw in lots of well thought out, inciteful female commentary like "b*t***s need their chocolate."

Your friendly neighborhood dead man walking.

[ed. note: this entry was composed yesterday afternoon.]

The Adventures of Cap'n Sheepherder and the Ba-Ba Girls

[edited]

Cap'n Richard wins HOH, World Cup, Olympic Gold, cures cancer all at once

Is there any other explanation for the pure guttural roar that came out of his hole tonight when he got that thing?

I wonder when my strictly non-whispering session with Cap'n Lion King will be? I might just skip it and watch his head explode. I mean, if I do go, I'm sure it'll just be lots of aggressive finger-pointing, combined with a "if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen" or perhaps a "don't count your chickens before they hatch". If he pulls out the "a watched pot never boils," I think I'll simply shake his hand, congratulate him on being a complete tool, and leave the room.

I think my days are numbered. That means I've got lots of sexual harassing to do before next week!

P.S. I'm better than this place.

Q&A (part II)

[ed. note: Michael answered these in pieces over the course of the last 48 hours and are here posted as a group.]

6) L Brooks asks: How do you keep your mind off of things you wish you could do - things you do outside of the house - like draw, sculpt, etc?

It’s difficult – there isn’t a lot to do in here. I’ve considered alcoholism, but they ration that to us. One of the most frustrating things is that I’ll often picture something in my mind and have no way to make note or reference of it to remember for later. If any of you are artists or writers, you know what I’m talking about.

7) Brian Swift asks: Is your relationship with Janelle part of your strategy, or do you honestly like her. Also, do you think Janelle is playing you?

I have a relationship with Janelle? No, honestly, she’s really interesting. When I first saw her, I assumed imbecile. There are other sides to her – almost like two different people sometimes. I’m not saying bipolar – more like there’s the superficial, doing hair and lotion for 4 hours side...and then another side that is quite deep and insightful.

I like her, although I don’t know what our interactions outside the house would be like. She's fun to flirt with. I’ve dated girls like her before. As far as the game, one needs all the allies one can get in here, and Janelle is definitely that right now.

8) lindyb76 asks: People have told you to tone down your behavior. From my point of view, it looks like a show put on for them. Is it?

Well, on one hand it’s a show in terms of bringing some energy to the house. On the other, I’m a huge flirt and pretty hyperactive. Anyone who knows me will tell you that. I also like girls, what can I say?

If they have a problem they should say so to my face and I’ll stop. If Jennifer has a problem she should quit coming on to me. If James has a problem he should stop reaching into my shorts in the middle of the night while I’m sleeping.

If April or Ivette tells me someone else has a problem I’ll tend not to believe them, because they’re these type of people who thrive on drama. If they have none, they’ll create it.

Cap’n Daddycakes could see me feeding the fish and would accuse me of trying to rape them at this point. Not to my face, though.

In all seriousness, I’m pretty worried about how they show this on TV. I realized the other day they could really twist things to make me look like a total scumbag, instead of the ¼ scumbag I really am.

9) Kat asks a bunch of questions:

Got a couple of things I'd like to know. Really......why did you want to go on the BB show? I mean really, and not the hype.

Hey Editor-boy, didn’t I answer one of these already?

How do you maintain your sanity?? I know you mentioned in your blog (which is hilarious, by the way!) your worry about using the bathroom (LOL), but what about mental privacy? How do you manage to get away from the crowd and keep a little piece of yourself private??

I don’t, really. I’m meditating sporadically, but I can’t say it totally pulls me out of the house. When they call me to the Diary Room, it’s a small break, but you’re still talking to someone in there. (I think I mentioned this before, but it’s a talking dog.)

My blogging activities are private, as well. I’m seriously thinking of bringing someone to do this with me – maybe (KAY-SAR). What are they going to do? He told me the other day he was going to start treating Big Brother like a substitute teacher – I thought that was hilarious and I agree.

You had a conversation with Beau about missing your time alone with your art......was that real or a game play?

Real.

Okay......gonna ask for some proof......LOL How about shaving your goatee?!?!? LOL

I thought about it long and hard before I came in (didn't want to look "evil") but decided against it. I also thought about coming in with just a moustache, which would have been great. I’ve worn this forever and look like a little kid without it. It’ll stay unless I get really bored or drunk one day.

And finally, could you please ask Howalump to quit rubbing all over Beau??? The screen caps are kinda icky. LOL

The Howalump is a savage, untamed creature. Attempts to domesticate it in the past have been disastrous. Legend has it that the day the Howalump discovered fire, he burned down half of Chicago.

10) Jonathanlyman asks: To prove if this blog is legit or not...Michael, what restaurant did you frequent in your hometown of Irvine, CA? I understand that it may be a broad question, but when I worked there, I CONSTANTLY saw you there. To your credit, mostly with really hot girls. A bit of focus for it... just in case there were a few. The one I am speaking of was known for its specialty desserts.

I go out to eat quite a bit, but are you talking about that factory where they make lots of cakes that have the name cheese? Editor-boy better thank me for that! Anyway, thanks everyone - this was fun! Hopefully E-boy will let me do it again, even though he's a [edited]![ed. note: thanks]

Q&A (part I)

[ed. note: Michael answered these in pieces over the course of the last 48 hours and are here posted as a group.]

1) Daniel asks: You said you are Irish, born in Italy, ... came in the US in 1997 and have dual citizenship. What is the other citizenship than American (Irish? Italian?) and can you tell us more about your parents (nationality, occupation)?

I was actually born in France. What can I tell you about my parents besides they’re very private? My father is an academic, my mother is a mother. [ed. note: furious naysayers begin here. I told him we could use more than that, but this is Michael being Michael. Ask him again later and he may give us 10 pages..]

2) “Blackberry” asks: How do you know Ivette is a lesbian???

Because when I tried to have sex with her, she said, “don’t touch me, I’m gay.” Seriously though, almost the first or second day it was pretty obvious to me. She’s not receptive to flirting at all, and she gives off that vibe. I’m not trying to be arrogant, like, “oh, she’s not into me, she must be gay,” but you can just tell with some people. This place is no different than the real world in that regard.

She’s keeping it in the closet. I don’t know why, but it’s not my place to out her. I figure when she comes out I can tell her I’ve known all along, which may freak her out.

3) Heather Rupp asks: Do you prefer women to wear bikini underwear, thongs, parachutes (granny panties) or none at all?

Depends on what the woman looks like! Good question!

4) "Smiley" asks: Ok here is one for you. Since we all think this is a fake I will give you a code word for us to think otherwise!

If this is for real on Wednesday the 13th since this is the day that these Q&A are to be on your blog, We would love for you to say on live feed this word in some sort of conversation: Quit being a Prude Jude.

HA! Editor-boy keeps telling me there is controversy over whether this is really me or not. “Prude Jude”. I’ll do you a favor since you are so kind – how about if I say it during the live show?

5) Laura Smith asks several questions: You are by far the sexiest house guest Ive ever seen in the BB House!! I was wondering, since there are some pictures of you smoking on the internet- what brand do you smoke?

Ummm…I don’t smoke. What? ;)

Also, how do you blend your working out and keeping in such AWESOME physical shape?

Just eating right and exercise. I'm actually a little heavier (bf%) than I prefer right now. That said, I was very skinny growing up. It’s taken me a lot of work and lifting to get to my current size, which is even harder when one is as tall as I am. Sometimes I still feel like a skinny little boy inside. Cry for me please.

Lastly- do you have any media type goals for after being a HG on Big Brother? You would seem like an awesome correspondent for the E! channel...

I know nobody will believe this, but no, not really. I applied for the show as a way to kind of step away from my life and evaluate things. For all I've been fortunate to have done already, over the past year I've really felt kind of lost and unsure. Like I can't quite grasp what I'm doing with my life. Continue crying for me here.

I was wondering if you could make a pass at one of the single houseguests outside at the table while smoking....

Okay, but why while smoking? I also think I’ve made my share of passes. Ask anyone - I'm a menace. :)

Also- could you try to get one of the other guys to smoke- like Eric or James....

Cap’n Cliche isn’t going to do anything he doesn’t want to. James is too smart to smoke. I’ll try though. Could be good for a laugh. I have a feeling if you press James’ buttons juuuuust right we could see some great TV!

[ed. note: look for the next 5 questions this afternoon.]

Eric has the intelligence of a hamburger

Okay, Cap’n Nutburger and the Paranoia Patrol. Fine, I’m a sexual predator. Whatever dude, go run your high school gossip column or whatever it is you do. You’re going to hang yourself in here if you keep this up, Boston. (And no, that was not a threat, Producers.) Don’t worry. I only threaten women with my oversexed, out-of-control antics. Point is, I'm betting I can play nice with you longer than you can with me, and from here on, I'm going to poke and prod your Napoleon syndrome having arse until you snap. (midget)

I wonder if his firehouse is like this. I can just picture his squad hitting the scene of a huge fire, and the place burns down because Eric is busy telling Johnny that Bobby called him “jerk-face”.

April

Seriously, what does she add to this house besides noise and trash talk? I think she's going around telling everyone I'm a rapist or something. I can take gameplay, but that is slander. She makes me sick. Uncultured, loud, impolite. What else can I say? This blog is useful for things like this!

Q & A reminder

[ed. note: Our first fan Q&A with Michael will be posted Wednesday, July 13th. Send your questions to the email in the profile by Monday (today) at 7:00pm est. The 10 best questions that do not reveal game elements will be chosen. We reserve the right to edit (but not alter the intent of) all emails.]

BB6: The Movie

Okay this one took me a couple days and I didn’t find a lot of time yesterday. It’s not like there’s anything to do (although food back later today – allegedly), but like I said, that’s me. Sorry about the lack of posts.

Michael – Brad Pitt. Shut up, it’s my movie.

Eric – there’s an obvious choice here, but instead I’m going with Ving Rhames. An angry, slightly paranoid Ving Rhames. A Ving Rhames who thinks the enemy is always right around the corner.

Beau – I’m at a loss. Jimmy Smits.

Rachel – scary mature woman who I’m scared to talk to. If I tried to flirt with her she’d tear my eyeballs out. We need a younger Joan Allen. Since this is a fake movie, let’s pretend we have a time machine and get the younger Joan Allen.

Kaysar – that guy from the TV show Lost whose name I don’t know. I think he’s actually Iraqi, too.

Sarah – for our secretly married sweetest girl in the world, let’s go with Jennifer Garner. She’s a fav of mine, I think she’s a sweetheart, and I want to hug her. If I get out and she’s married Ben Affleck, I’ll be like, “crap, she married Ben Affleck.” (btw I don’t have anything against Ben Affleck. He actually seems like a nice guy and is from what I’ve heard.)

Jennifer – This is tough. Jennifer is hot but not at the same time. It’s like it depends on the angles. Let’s go with an actress who I also struggle to decide if she’s good looking or not, Reese Witherspoons.

James – Jonathan Lipnicki

April – Sharon Stone – she’s a little older than April, but that’s fine. She can handle that “more machine now than man” thing April has going for her.

Ivette – Nope, I’m not going the easy route and casting the Invisible Woman; let’s do a Rene Zellweger here. I know she’s not Hispanic (we filled that quota with our color-blind casting of Beau), but her scrunchy-face thing is as annoying as Ivette’s complaining. I used to want to help her out, but I’ve realized she’s just angry in general. If she were happy, it would bug her and make her angry. Plus, I know she married that country guy, but I’ll bet Rene is gay. (like Ivette!)

Janelle – this one is tough, surprisingly. I know about 30 actress/models (read: escorts) who look just like Janelle who live right around me, but let’s cast the smart Janelle and make a more interesting film. Angelina Jolie.

Maggie – Edward Norton

Ashlea – well, considering we’re killing her off in the first scene, let’s call and get an extra on the cheap. This leaves more in the budget for my greatest creation…

Howie – We’re going all CGI here. It’s the only way to go. Kind of a combination of a Huffalump (sp?), King Kong, and a perverted Special Olympian. I would die to be able to sketch out what I’m seeing in my head right now for “The Howalump”.

Well, that’s all. Get Tim Burton to direct and you’ve got a guaranteed opening weekend of like 240 dollars.

[ed. note: obviously this post was composed earlier today]

This workout room is sweet

You heard me. Okey, back to bed.

[First Q&A]

[ed. note: Our first fan Q&A with Michael will be posted Wednesday, July 13th. Send your questions to the email in the profile by Monday at 7:00pm est. The 10 best questions that do not reveal game elements will be chosen. We reserve the right to edit (but not alter the intent of) all emails.]

Girl talk

Jennifer is cute. I think she has a crush on me. I’ll leave that card on the table for now. I think it’s a bad idea strategy-wise to get aligned like that.

Ashlea. I think I talked about her already. She’s really young. When she started crying at nominations, I felt bad. I felt better when I remembered I wasn’t nominated.

Ivette is…talkative. She really seems angry about her station in life. I don’t want to preach to her, but if she would quit being angry and concentrate on what she’s trying to do with her life…she might get where she wants to. I’d like to talk to her more about these things, but it’s hard with everyone else there. I’d also like to hear about being a lesbian and kissing girls.

April is in the house here with us.

Sarah. She’s not really the look I’m into, but there’s something about her that’s very cool. She’s innocent or something. I have a feeling she’s married. Just a hunch. We showered together, which was nice, except for I hate that shower. Damn, I feel bad even saying that about her. (Because of her husband, not her innocence.)

Julie Chen. Huge secret of the BB house is that she’s actually in here with us, sleeping on a cot in the Diary Room. Anyway, she’s great and full of news about what it’s like to host shows with strangers (who know each other) living in houses.

Janelle is the one that fascinates me. Beautiful, obviously. She’s much smarter than she’s letting on. How much, I’m not sure. I might ask to make out with her later.

Maggie. Maggie, Maggie, Maggie…what to say…what to say…oh, man.

I haven’t really talked much with Rachel. I have nothing against her, but it might be funny to see if I can go for like 3 weeks without talking to her at all. Then I could just walk up to her after we’ve lived together for a month and be like “Hi, I’m Michael.”

Do we have clearence, Clarence? (part II)

My strategy is working, I guess. Lay (somewhat) low without disappearing, make no concrete alliances until I absolutely have to, yet stay on good terms with all; what I’m calling “loose” alliances. Basically, “hey, we like each other, let’s continue to play nice”. I’m not naïve, though – it’s very early. I’ve made one mistake which I don’t think will hurt me, although if people are fishing for reasons to nominate…I need to be more careful.

I honestly like almost everyone so far. Eric is very intense. He seems to think laser guns are going to pop out of the walls and start firing at any moment. Janelle is much smarter than one would assume from her look, and I should know better from past experience. That's all I'm saying for now - I don't completely trust Big Brother and what they're doing with the blog - for all I know they're showing it to everyone while I'm sleeping.

Back on the twist, while I’m here…I don’t believe for ONE SECOND that more of these people don’t know each other. What if me or [edited] got voted off the first week? It just makes no sense for the show to risk everything on the two of us. Needless to say, body language has been interesting to watch. (Now that I’ve talked about the twist, hopefully looking over a past entry [edited]. I think myself a comedian. A hilarious comedian. The kind of comedian who makes hilarious jokes. Jokes that make people laugh.)

Do we have clearance, Clarence? (part I)

Now that the show has aired, I’m free to actually say things on the blog! Thanks, editor. you’re so very sweet to me.

Okay…I’m clear to talk about the nominations. Ashlea and (KAY-SER). It’s early on and I have to believe Rachel when she says it’s nothing personal. That’s a great reason whether it’s true or not, and I’d have done the same thing.

Ashlea: nice girl, a little young (not for me, but for the game). I don’t think there’s any harm to me in her leaving.
(KAY-SER): I really get along with him and see no reason to start knocking off guys, when we are already out numbered. (more on this after more “research”…although if what I suspect is true I’ll be [edited]-slapped by the editor if I talk about it)

Anyway, my vote. Clearly, when I vote my choice will be to vote out Jennifer.

Which reminds me of something else I can talk about, and that’s the twist, of which I am. If you’re watched the show, you know now (so I’m told) that I am the twist. I’m in here with someone I know in the “real world”. If you’re watching on the internet, I’m assuming you’ve figured out who by now, although I can’t say that it’s [edited] until they give me the go-ahead.

I would talk about the bed situation, because [edited], but they said no. I will also kill to have HOH and the private shower. Despite the fact I’ve chosen to go on a reality show, I’m pretty modest about things like that.

[ed. note: part II of this post will be up shortly.]

Up way early today

After being scolded by editor-boy, here’s some (his words) “real, actual insight into living in the unique world of the Big Brother experience”.

I got up early for no other reason than that’s when I woke up. Kaysar’s up also, and has been for some time. I asked him for about the eighth time how to pronounce his name correctly, although I know that it’s (KAY-SER). I think it bugs him that I keep asking, but it makes me laugh. He was up to pray, which is good. I think he has to and I respect that, but I do wonder if he’ll be able to keep it up. Not that he’s not dedicated to his religion, just that “living in the unique world of the Big Brother experience” doesn’t lend itself to keeping any sort of a regular schedule.

Regardless, (KAY-SER) is a cool dude and way laid back. I get the feeling he’s in a sort of “wait-and-see” mode. We could speak in Arabic, although he has no idea I know how. I keep asking him to say things in Arabic like I’m really curious about it, and again laugh to myself. (I’m not picking on (KAY-SER) here, it’s just that he was the only one up when I got up. btw I feel like crap and won’t be getting up early on a regular basis if I can avoid it.)

Some early impressions of the house:

1) It’s colorful, which is nice. From what I saw on the DVDs of past houses, they were kind of bland. At least with the high ceilings here, the colors, and a second story, there are interesting visuals. I fight on a daily basis the urge to jump off the balcony and try to smash the dining room table to pieces with my powerful feet.

2) The “woven” metal wall is interesting, and if they let me, I may tear it down and make something out of it. It’s actually these things that I wonder about most at this point, at least in regard the house itself.

***Like, if I started taking apart the dining room table, they couldn’t run in and stop me, could they? I guess they’d call me into the Diary Room and be like, “hey, stop it jerk,” but what if I was like “nah, I really want to take the table apart,” and kept going? See, I can’t help but think that openly defying the orders of BB in innocent ways (like taking apart tables) would actually be fun for the audience. Sure, the producers say they have the right to boot you for doing stuff like that, but would they? Is it worth risking all this money to find out? What would it take to get them to come in and physically remove me themselves at some point? Sorry about the aside – thinking about things like that are why I can never get anything done on time. Some people call it ADD; some call it a creative brain. (I call it ADD.)***

3) This may seem trivial, but this washer and dryer kick [edited]. If I can figure out how to use them, it’ll be pretty exciting. (I’m about out of space, so I needed something short.)

I’m still evaluating the girls. I’ll give a full report soon.

Editor test

They told me last time I posted I gave a bunch of show elements away and they had to edit basically the whole thing. I promise - I'm not trying to push their buttons or anything, but the first HOH is [edited], I [edited] because of [edited], but I can't tell anyone, the first [edited] was a [edited], which [edited] and you could tell they were bent about, [edited] might try to kill me, and finally, [edited] has [edited] and sounds like [edited]. P.S. I get grumpy when I don't get [edited].

[ed. note: since this post was also so productive, clue #2 is attached]

The bed situation

So when I first came in (with [edited…]! I guess I’ll deal with it okay. :)

[ed. note: sorry folks, we’re trying to teach him this is for insight, not show spoilers. Michael is…interesting to deal with, and we’ll leave it at that for now. We’ll be making some changes in format soon to try to curb the “anonymous” posting in comments. Tune in to CBS tomorrow night for the premier and watch your feeds.]

I'm in (part III)

Sorry...I realized that with one more post I could complete the epic “I’m in” trilogy. I want to add that I’m not running around with a Blackberry or something, and it’s also not as simple as me dictating to the talking dog in the diary room.

I go to what I’ve taken to calling “my special place”. That's dumb but it makes me feel special.

I'm in (part II)

Here's what I’m supposed to tell you, by order of the mighty disembodied voices of Big Brother. (For the few of you who have never been trapped in a house for a reality show, one thing you learn quickly is that when the disembodied voice talks, you do what it says.) Moving on:

1) I do not and have not had internet access since being sequesterated. I also don’t have a laptop hidden in my butt – that’s just the way I walk, okay? Ha - that's a joke. Look at me, I'm making jokes on TV!

2) I can't actually see the blog or any comments that are posted. Nor do I get the emails that get sent through the blog, although they said they may filter "harmless" ones to me for a Q&A post if I run out of things to say. They said they cleaned up the links I left on there and I had some other crap in my profile they deleted, too.

3) Where I'm posting from is a secret for the fans to discover through the internet broadcast and clues in the blog. They said they're trying to get more creative and interactive this year, especially with rewarding what they call “the rabid online people.” (I can't see these clues btw, they get put on when they download for me.)

4) I can post as much as I want and whatever I want, although they said they wanted to keep it family friendly if possible. (Just like I said!) They will edit as necessary in order to keep it clean and also so I don’t give anything away I’m not supposed to. For example, if I tell you the first Head of Household is [edited], they’ll probably slap me with an edit.

5) I'm the only houseguest with a blog. (Which I'm telling you right now I don't buy for one second, along with a lot of other stuff…that's a post for another time. Dear Producers, I’m at times dopey, but I’m not stupid. Your friend, Michael)

That's all for now. If I can manage it, I'll do another post later with my initial impressions. Real quick - I've already lost track of what day it is and general things like that. It's all pretty crazy, but there are some NICE butts making it worthwhile. Please understand I’m an antzy guy and am likely to forget I’m supposed to be posting, which is funny because it’s like all there is to do!

Two last things for now - I just looked this over and I apologize for all the parentheses. Also, yes, it’s kind of cool to know that what was supposed to be my little “farewell to the world” gag has become part of the show.

[ed. note: You people found this much sooner than we anticipated or desired. You continue to amaze.]

I'm in (part I)

Okay, here's how this came down. Everyone who knew I was going on Big Brother told me my life would be completely opened up and the show's fans would dig up every piece of info they could on the internet. Thinking I'm a clever sort of guy, I decided to leave a little blog note for fun. (I assume everyone found my websites and myspace profile right away...I think that's all that's out there.)

Anyway, on the morning I was leaving, I threw up a quickie blog (I think it was three posts at that point) and then I hopped in the Big Brother Mobile and went into “sequesteration". :)

About 2 hours after I’m in the hotel, a couple of the producers pop into my room and ask me if I had started a blog that revealed I was going on BB6. Keep in mind, these people are really nice until now. Apparently I had made a small error in judgement - here's a short version of how this went:

Producer 1: Did you put up a blog that said you were going on the show?
Me: A what?
Producer 2: A f$*&^ing blog! Did you put it on the internet that you're going on the show?!?!
Me: What's a blog?
Producer 2: A blog! A blog! God d$#! it!
Producer 1: Did you do it, Michael?
Me: No.
Producer 2: Are you f$&%^#ing lying?
Me: No.

(I think they planned good cop-bad cop. They were REALLY good at it.)

Producer 1: You're being completely honest with us?
Me: No.
Producer 2: F$%^!

It all happened really fast, but that's about how it went, and they stormed out. At this point, I’m scared I’m getting the boot, but an hour later they come back and they're all nice and buddy-buddy again. They tell me I'm keeping the blog. I'm just like "okay…thanks, I guess?"

I’m hitting my quota here – the next post will explain how this is working, at least as much as I can explain…between the bedroom situation, getting the bearing of the new pad, and trying to keep my mouth shut about this (and [edited]) to the others it’s tough to think straight at the moment.

Short hiatus

I'll be back, next time you hear from me will be from inside - they haven't told me exactly how this is going to work yet, although they did say they're attaching a clue for you to this post. I don't know why you need a clue, but then suddenly I feel like I don't know anything...

I'm going in...

Wish me luck...

...

Why the early sequesteration?

First of all, allow me to introduce you to my new word, "sequesteration". It's sequester with an "ation" at the end. It means "to be sequestered." I'm assuming this becomes a pop culture phenomenon and everyone's using it when I get out of the house.

Anyway, the short answer to that question is that it's to do all the promo interviews and intro stuff for the show, and also to make sure all the waivers and such are complete. The part where you sign your life away - you know - "we can make you cut off your own ears and you can't sue us." They make sure all of my personal loose ends are taken care of; checks for bills prewritten and sent off, etc. I think it's also to get us accustomed to what we're going to go through in the house; lack of TV, music, movies or what's hard for me especially, the means to work on any of my artwork.

So the other day I asked for some sort of mental stimulation. Anything. I really want to keep my brain working. The interviews are fine, but you can only answer "what's your strategy (say something catchy!)" so many times before you need something new.

One of the producers said she'd help me out and would be back soon. About 15 minutes later she returned with a bag. Victory! I open the bag...finally...oh boy, what's in here? What's in here...??

A paddle ball game, 3 packs of gum, and a cow candle.

Read that again:

A paddle ball game, 3 packs of gum, and a cow candle.

I don't mean to seem ungrateful, but I said "I need some mental stimulation" not "go down to the hotel gift shop and buy something to keep your 6 year old busy."

What am I supposed to do with this stuff? Do they think I'm freaking Macguyver?